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KPIX 5 News at 11pm

News News/Business. Ken Bastida and Elizabeth Cook. New.




San Francisco, CA, USA

Comcast Cable

Channel 109 (705 MHz)






Barney 9, Butler 8, Marshall 7, Japan 5, Jerry 4, Farbman 3, Lily 3, Us 3, Mr. Wilhelm 3, Brett 3, Ted 3, Elaine 3, Tokyo 2, Mmm 2, Mr. Oh 2, Nichi Wa 2, Nbc 2, Marshall Eriksen 2, Bliss 2, Dr. Scholl 2,
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  CBS    KPIX 5 News at 11pm    News  News/Business. Ken  
   Bastida and Elizabeth Cook. New.  

    March 21, 2013
    11:00 - 11:35pm PDT  

no one gives you more capacity... so you'll be prepared for any challenge bye guys! kenmore. tested for living. found at sears. it's the twirling that dazzles the eye. i find it disorienting. who buys an umbrella anyway? you can get them for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans. those belong to people.
hey! well, this was downstairs for you. ka-ching. oh, no, not more checks. they're coming in faster than i can sign them. what checks? you didn't hear? jerry's a big star in japan. i don't know why. there's a one-second clip of me in the opening credits of some japanese comedy show. yeah. the super-terrific happy hour. they run it all the time and now i'm starting to get all these royalty checks. look at all of those. you're rich! no. each one is for, like, 12 cents. it's barely worth the pain in my hand to sign 'em. look at this. hey, jerry, you need any new furniture? why? well, elaine's boyfriend, he's giving me this oversized chest of drawers. it's a farbman. he's giving you furniture? who is this guy? who are any of her losers? you're on that list. all right. i got to go home and open the house for the carpet cleaners. you know, they're doing my whole place for $25. oh, no, no, no. not the sunshine carpet cleaners?
yeah. you've heard of 'em? they're a crazy religious cult. the carpet cleaning is just a means for them to get into your apartment. so? for a $25 cleaning i can listen to some pointless blather. i do it, and i'm not even getting the cleaning. i signed over a hundred checks this morning. hello, $12. excuse me. will you take a picture, please? oh, yeah, sure. i'm gonna ask this guy something. hey, nice twirl you got there. you know who invented that don't you? are you folks from japan? hai. yes. do you recognize that mug? that's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the super-terrific happy hour. oh super-terrific. yes, yes. [speaking japanese] yeah, that's him. what is he doing? well, i don't know but something super terrific i'm sure. he's funny. oh, yeah, very funny. it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his antics. ha ha ha ha. that's it, 'cause everybody laughs at jerry here in america.
we're pretty much finished. there's just one more thing. here it comes. you forgot to sign your check. sorry. you sure there isn't anything else? no. hi. hi. what's with the claw? super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome. there's no sign of kramer. oh, brett. this is jerry. hi. that's very funny. elaine told me you were some kind of comedian. i'm one kind. have you seen the chest of drawers brett gave kramer? the fleckman. the farbman. right. you got to see 'em. beautiful! i'm sure they are. i'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at.
no. i'm fine. thank you. don't worry. it's no charge to you. looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your skits. i don't write skits. of course you don't. you don't have a proper work station. i'll fax over my catalog. mmm, brett uh... jerry doesn't have a... fax machine. oops. well, i'm sure things will pick up for you soon. elaine, maybe we should get going. jerry, you want to join us? where're you going coffee shop? coffee shop? ha ha. i think we can do a little better than that. you look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant. you look like you could use a-- jerry. $300. hey, mr. oh, how much would these run you in tokyo? uh...about 30,000 yen. 30,000. well, these are practically free. giddyup. you're a cowboy now.
i feel terrible about your friend jerry. he's upset that i gave kramer that chest of drawers, isn't he? why do you think he's upset? how could he not be? living in that cramped little apartment that outdated furniture, so terribly un-carl-farbman-like. we're not going to talk about carl farbman all night, are we? i hope not. [desperado plays] brett? is everything all right? shh. what is it? is there someone outside? elaine, the song. oh. oh, whew. you know for a minute there i thought it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging on the fender-- elaine, could you just not talk for one minute? sorry. no spiel? not a peep. they just cleaned the carpets and left. they call themselves a cult. so you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal
made no attempt to abduct you? they could have at least tried. maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed. too dumb? please. well, mack, he's back in town. nice duds. kon'nichi wa. it's a gift from my japanese friends. they're known as gift givers. and tonight, we're going dancing at the rainbow room. sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around. well, jerry, they're japanese. i mean, that tv you watch, that sushi you eat even that kimono you wear, where do you think all that money goes, huh? that's right. how'd you hook up with these guys? well, they recognized jerry from the super-terrific happy hour. see, now you should be doing your own show in japan. now, they get you. what kind of show am i going to do in japan? what did you do with that pilot you did? yeah. the pilot! that's right. i think that had marvelous production values. and you know i do a lot of business with japanese tv. they broadcast a lot of american baseball. they have an office here in new york. forget it. the pilot was awful. it failed.
it failed here because here every time you turn on the tv all you see if four morons sitting around an apartment whining about their dates. george is right, jerry. see, here you're just another apple. but in japan, you're an exotic fruit, like an orange which is rare there. tv: you had a date? you went out with my butler? who said you could go out with my butler? well, why do i need your permission? because he's my butler. so? what do you think? we're a bit confused. why was this man jerry's butler? ah. you see, the man who is the butler had gotten into a car accident with jerry. and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge decreed that the man become jerry's butler. is this customary in your legal system? no. that's what makes it such a humorous situation.
i'm sorry. i'm sure mr. seinfeld is very funny to americans but i'm not sure this butler show would work in japan. oh, i disagree. you've been living in america too long. you've forgotten what it's like to have no oranges. i'm sorry. my hand is numb. yes, from endorsing checks for the super-terrific happy hour. you must go now. i think i'm on the outs with brett. i got shushed during desperado. what does he listen to the all desperado station? he is just in his own world when he hears that song.
it's like i'm sitting there in the car and he's... out ridin' fences. you know, what you need is a song you can share. yeah. you're right. we need to find our song. ok. so is there any song that you feel very strongly about? i like witchy woman. witchy woman? you know witchy woman. ♪ ooh, ooh, witchy woman ♪ oh. witchay woman. hey. hey. hey. how was the rainbow room? uh, we had to leave early. there was a, uh, slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill. uh, listen could i borrow some pillows? what for? well, my japanese friends are gonna stay with me. i thought they all had suites at the plaza. i'm sorry, jerry. we all don't have checks rolling in like you do. what about all that money from the kimonos i wear? they ran out of it. manhattan can be quite pricey even with 50,000 yen.
50,000 yen? isn't that only a few hundred dollars? evidently. oh, by the way tell brett his chest of drawers are a big hit. my guests are very comfortable in them. in them? you have them sleeping in drawers? have you ever seen the business hotels in tokyo? they sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. they feel right at home. this has international incident written all over it. oh, yeah, yeah. good night mr. tanaka. good night! good night, mr. oh. good night. good night mr. yamaguchi. [speaks japanese] only the best dishes make applebee's 2 for $20 menu, and our newest entrees are just bursting with the "jazzed-up" flavor of bourbon street. [ male
announcer ] alan, come on, let's get to the food. people are hungry. the new creamy cajun steak & shrimp, on our 2 for $20 menu. one app, two entrees only 20 bucks. see you tomorrow. [ male announcer ] zzzquil™ sleep-aid. it's not for colds. it's not for pain. it's just for sleep. because sleep is a beautiful thing™. ♪ ♪ zzzquil™. the non-habit forming sleep-aid from the makers of nyquil®. score the patio set of your dreams today with free layaway kmart layaway every day what's droid-endurance ? the longest 4g lte battery in a razr thin profile. with 32 hours of battery life that turns an all-nighter, into a two-nighter. the droid razr maxx hd by motorola. droid-endurance. droid-powerful.
what is this? rice krispies. east meets west, jerry. ah. that's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running.
well, i'm off to the bank. sayonara. kon'nichi wa. [the eagles' witchy woman playing] elaine, i-- shh! shh! what do you think? what are you doing? that's witchy woman. i thought it could be our song. witchy woman is ok for you, but i've already got a song. oh. oh, well, then how about desperado? we can share it. no. it's mine. here you go, snap, crackle, and pop. thank you very much. yeah. thank you. good morning, mr. oh. i gotta make up the drawer. come back in half hour. hey, i'll take one. well, look who's back. teddy, this is the guy says he invented the twirl.
jerry seinfeld. teddy patalak. long time, no see. what do you got in a push-button mini? same thing we had when you bailed on us 15 years ago. bailed? you knew i wanted to be a comedian. besides, we had some good times. remember tropical storm renee? oh, yeah, sure but where were you during the poncho craze of '84? i almost lost my house. umbrella, buddy? now we got that damn urban sombrero to contend with. easy, clicky. i hear you're taking credit for the twirl. aw, it was so many years ago, who cares? i care. clicky cares. look, could i just buy an umbrella? yeah, sure... $200. what? special price for a real foul-weather friend. hey, george. all right how about that tour, huh? these guys are ready to run the bases. kramer, it's raining. they got the tarp on the field. listen, george, what else can i do with these guys? bear in mind, they're a little light
on the yen. well, i got the pilot of the jerry show. that's perfect. hey, how would you guys like to watch super-terrific happy star jerry seinfeld? but we are also very hungry. oh, yeah, well... you guys just watch the tape and i'll get you some food. hey, peanuts! oh, george come here a minute. george, did you call some carpet cleaners? are they here? they're in my office. they haven't said anything to you, have they? about what? what kind of a snobby, stuck-up cult is this? hey, jerry! oh, hey, brett. haven't you ever heard of an umbrella? uh, i didn't have enough money. i'm sure things will pick up for you. no, it's not that. it's-- oh, no, look at the checks. hours of hard work ruined! oh, don't worry. i can spot you-- 12 cents?
it's not the money. it's my hand. it's crippled from writing and writing. nothing's working for you, is it? not at the moment, brett. i'd give you a ride, but i got carl farbman here. thanks for stopping. you ran away from him as if he were the boogedy man? boogey man. boogey? i'm quite sure. anyway, any luck getting together on a song? no. he blew out my witchy woman and he won't share desperado. hey, what do you think of oye como va? eh. i'm running out of guys here in this city, jer. hey, great news! i showed the pilot to kramer's japanese friends. they loved it! really? they bought the butler character? did i tell you that story's relatable? that was a great show! that is why i'm bringing it back to nbc. nbc? nakahama broadcast corporation. but they told us we must go now. but now i have my own market research:
actual japanese viewers that love the show. i'm gonna talk to kramer. george, do me a favor. if they make you an offer whatever it is just take it. hey, by the way... what'd you think of miss yoshimura? who? the network executive. you think she liked me? [voices partying] yeee! hey! look who's here! georgie, come on in! come on. i want you to come in here. get a good night's sleep, all right, fellas? big day tomorrow! [whooping and cheering] last one. ah...ahhhh! hey! where's the boys? i let them sleep in. i'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets.
they need a little food money. kramer, the meeting starts in 10 minutes! i set their alarm. but they did have a lot of sake in that hot tub. i'm calling jerry. [ring] yeah? jerry, the japanese guys had sake in the hot tub! you gotta get 'em out of the drawers and down here or i don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to japanese tv! uncle leo? jerry! all right, all right. i'll wake them up. testy. [shouting in japanese] hello? mr. jerry, open the drawer, please! it's stuck. ow! ahh! the steam from the hot tub must've warped the wood. pull harder! i'm trying. i can't get a grip. my hand's had kind of a bad week. very funny but no joking, please! don't worry. i'll get you out. brett, believe me, you don't have to do this. elaine, i know he'll appreciate this. granted, it's not as nice as kramer's cabinets but it's a start.
i promise you, jerry is not jealous of kramer's cabinets. jerry: move to the back of the drawers! jerry? jerry! not the farbman! aah! so, uh, gentlemen... do we have a deal? excuse me. did you hire the sunshine carpet cleaners? yes, to clean up the coffee stain left by jerry seinfield.
mr.--mr. wilhelm? what are you doing here? i'm here to clean the carpets. most of the world is carpeted, and one day, we will do the cleaning. him you brainwashed? what's he got that i don't have?! mr. wilhelm, listen. you've been abducted! please, mr. wilhelm, you've gotta listen to me. wilhelm? my name is tanya. captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television captioned by the national captioning institute chief style attendant: welcome aboard old navy passengers! this spring, we're all getting an upgrade. you're now free to show off the flirty detailing on your new eyelet dresses.
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brett, i'm really sorry. i didn't mean to hit you in the head with... an axe. at least it was just the handle. those beautiful cabinets. what am i going to tell-- i can't remember his name. fleckman? calm down, brett, ok? you could have a concussion. calm down. ♪ desperado ♪ [hums] elaine and jerry: ♪ you better let somebody love you ♪ ♪ let somebody love you ♪ ♪ before it's too-- ♪ his pulse is fine. looks like a minor concussion. let me see what i can do to relieve the swelling. [witchy woman plays] doctor?
doctor? doctor? doctor, i think we're losing him.
ur little group. there was lesbian robin... (spits) mustache marshall... stripper lily... and mexican wrestler me. yes, mine was the coolest. (cheering) and so we were all eager to find the fifth doppelganger: barney's. turned out it was more important to some of us than others. we agree there's no sense in having a baby until we've seen all five doppelgangers, right? of course. stands to reason. okay, so, when we finally see barney's doppelganger, that's the universe telling us it's go time. and that's when we'll start trying. deal? deal. and then one day a few weeks later... boom! universed! oh, my god! wait, wait, wait hold on. that could easily be barney pulling some scam to meet chicks. i'm one step ahead of you. go for barney. barney, hey. it's marshall. so you are at work? you're not-- i don't know--
driving a cab, wearing a wig. yes, i'm at work. that's the sound of my stapler. that's the sound of my three-hole punch. and this is the sound of me filing my corporate guidelines on sexual harassment. (shredder buzzes) what is up?! got to go, big chief. barney's at work. that-that was the fifth doppelganger. marshall eriksen... put a baby in my belly. captioning sponsored by 20th century fox television
hershey's bliss. one square inch of deliciously smooth chocolate in creamy milk... or rich dark. incredible indulgence. one square inch of bliss. hershey's bliss. but when they start hurting, i have to take them off. until i found dr. scholl's for her. they support and cushion my feet all day. this is happiness - happy feet. so, i've got energy and style all day. dr. scholl's for her . for heels and flats. i'm a believer. i can't wait to tell the gang. this is one of those moments you dream about. "guys... "lily and i... are having unprotected sex." ooh, i just got the chills. we're not gonna say anything. what? why? marshall, if we tell them, we're basically inviting them into the most private intimate moment of our lives.
you guys banging? (marshall and lily scream) keep going; i'm not even here. but just for the record having a baby: huge mistake. now, show me what you got. uncle teddy's here! (marshall and lily scream) quick question: how you guys gonna handle the whole santa thing? i'm thinking, just be honest. (chuckling): ah, hell. i'll dress up. this just in... (marshall and lily scream) is what marshall eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. chopper 12 is live on the scene with "baby watch: 2010." (helicopter hovering) (wind blustering) okay, fine. i won't tell anybody about the baby thing. hey, guys. hey. guys... we saw the fifth doppelganger! (gasps) whoa! amazing! that is awesome! mm-hmm. ooh, freaky. a brunette barney. i know. say what you will about the guy, but barney seems right as a blond. well, that's true. not every dude can pull off that blond look.
i don't know about that. what? oh, that summer i was lifeguarding at the chagrin falls country club i was lathering a little lemon juice into the old mop playing with some natural highlights. let's just say there were a few senior citizens who pretended to drown on my watch. and sadly, one who did. anyway i'd look good blond. marshall: okay, people we're in a delicate but very, very promising situation here. lily: if we play the next 30 seconds right, ted will dye his hair blond. robin: guys, this is mean. we can't-- uhp, just pictured it. how do we do this? ted: what are we all thinking about? nachos? marshall: ted mosby responds to one thing above all else. ted: i don't know, i'm still kind of full from lunch. marshall: a bunch of people emphatically telling him not to do something. follow my lead. ted: ah, screw it, i could eat. yes, we'd all like some nachos. i love you, buddy, but there is absolutely no way that you could pull off blond.
it-it just wouldn't look right. yeah, seriously, ted don't go blond. (bangs table) i'm going blond! no! no! that is not the outcome we were hoping for. narrator: now, kids, robin and don were becoming such a great team, both off and on the air, that local channel 12 started asking them to guest-host some of their other top-notch programs. ♪ monty and moo-moo are laughing and learning with you ♪ ♪ moo-moo. ♪ moo... so, that's why monty and i vow never to do drugs. because drugs are bad. right, monty? well, sure man-made chemical stuff. but things that grow in nature-- they're okay to try, like, once or twice. what are you saying? i've experimented with drugs. (gasps) narrator: fun fact: highest-rated monty and moo-moo episode ever. mmm. hmm, what was that for? before i met you, i'd given up on
everything. but you made me want to try again. i love you for that. oh. huh? ooh. (chuckles) oh, i see. mmm. (chuckles) hi. hey, hi. sorry. um, you don't know me, but i just wanted to say thank you. you're actually a very important person in my life. important? more like legendary. marshall, it's me! barney! narrator: oddly enough this would rank as only the second biggest surprise of the day. wow, this is just very sudden. sure, i can get you an answer by tomorrow. okay. thanks. (sighs softly) ted, something big has just happened, and you're the most sensible person i know. i need to talk to you right now. you know what? it can wait. no, go ahead. i'm listening. okay, well the executive producer from wnkw happen